Dreaming of a Brother’s embrace

I have been in Asheville, NC for over a month now – and all the pieces of my life have fallen into the exact shape they were always meant to be. My life is flawless, my life is great and I am thankful for every moment I have to breath. What I mean by flawless is, by no means is it perfect, but it is flawless in the ways I do not let things affect me negatively and I approach things with a much higher sense of strength and power than before – which in return, makes things perfect for me.

I backpacked, I couchsurfed and I WWOOFed around the entire east coast of America, through Iceland, England and France. I have slept in over 30 different beds, couches and airport floors, been in six countries and have met extraordinary people in those three months abroad. This past year has changed me. I left my job as an EMT a year ago, I left because the sight of seeing patients at their worst every single day, crushed me. Soon after, my fiancée and I sold all of our belongings, our cars and our home – to backpack through Europe. What a monumental and beautiful event that was for me.

All the pieces had fallen into place, to where they ought to be. But, there’s one piece adrift, there was one person I did not get to share my journey with, my brother, Jason. He is six years older than me and has been the exact definition of what an older brother should be, a pain in the ass but a kick ass friend at the same time. This will be the first time that I write of it, the first time that I let the whole magnitude of what happened between us into my heart and mind. As the five stages of grief displays, anger is usually first, so I let myself feel anger for what happened, which made it easy for me to travel and not get weak in the thought. Jason and I had a few fights that stringed over a few months, that ultimately separated us. We no longer communicate, which is a strange concept for my family, because we always used to stay in contact and see the others all the time, which for most of my life – I may have taken for granted. I was lucky, we were a lucky family to have six of us intertwined with such strong personalities, lucky to of not had any major blow outs. I didn’t intend on this to happen, and neither Jason and I are wrong in the matter – we both expressed our beliefs of the other, and it just spiraled out of control into something unrecognizable. We were unrecognizable.

I know all that is takes is a reach out to him to express how I feel, but call me not ready or call me not ready to budge, because I simply can not.

I had a dream the other night. I was at a family get together, like the ones my family used to do regularly. The seven of us (Including now, my 6 year old niece) were barbecuing and preparing to play a board game together. I was at a computer in awe of a new PC game that was coming out and fiercely clicking the mouse to read through the details. Jason was behind me reading the computer screen, excited too about it, with his arm around me. We laughed about this new game coming out, but we did not directly say anything to each other, for the arm said it all. The emphasis of this dream was his arm and what it did. He held me with such a grip, his arm radiated “I’m sorry” and my shoulder returned with “Me too.” It felt like when your mother holds you as a child, or a loved one after a severe fight or how a family holds each other after a death. It was an embrace, it was an embrace that I still feel now, while I am awake. I can go on for awhile expressing what that dreams means, how I miss him and how I should contact him, but I simply can not. That embrace spoke a thousand words in less than a few seconds, and that was all that was needed. Even in my dreams, my mind knows how to properly handle a situation, for my sleeping mind knows better than my conscious mind knows. What I mean by that is, to get over what happened between Jason and I, we would have to acknowledge it silently together, if we were to talk about it in depth out loud we would be due for a dispute again. It’s something that needs to be agreed upon to disagree on, or we will never budge, and I fear he will never be able to do that.

That dream was special to me, and I hold it in my heart. Till that dream, I haven’t had a warm feeling relating to him, so it has been easy to let him go in my mind, but ever since that dream – I miss him more than words can explain. The dream felt like I was with a ghost, like my unconscious mind gave me the gift of an encounter with someone that’s passed away. It’s like how I dream of my grandfather or grandma sometimes, it’s a moment together, a gift, just them and I together, that I get to hold, cherish and smile at. That is when I recognized how terrible this is, that my heart and mind feels like Jason is gone, passed away, and I was dreaming of his memory.

Life is the shortest thing that we get blessed with, life is all that we make of it.

Here’s an old picture of us.

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