Still

When I get to Europe , when I get there and are away from everything other than myself. I want to learn how to sit still. I want to learn how to not have to entertain myself via electronics, fiddling with things or just plain out pacing. I have grown accustomed to having to always keep myself busy, and I would like to say its the world around me that has impacted that idea on to me. But I am to blame I did not have to fall into it and walk with it, I could of turned the other way. But living a life where I wasn’t so sure of myself, I wasn’t queen of self esteem and I wasn’t so proud of myself. I fell for things around me easily, from women to the fast pace of technology. I have always wanted to be accepted and to be loved. So whenever someone showed any sort of attention my way, I jumped on it. I would be whatever they wanted me to be, I would do whatever they wanted me to do and I would get taken advantage of. I just gradually lost myself into many ways that I didn’t know who or what I was. I kept trying to find myself by doing extraordinary life changing things such as joining the Army and becoming an EMT a few years after that. I would do these things to try to make people around me proud, but most of all of to make myself proud. I had no backup of stuff that I have done to really make myself, my true inner self proud. Since most of the stuff I have done was to make others proud, and make my inner lost self proud. I found myself without reasons to be proud, which was a life altering realization to me. I’ll later find out, that there was hundreds of reasons to be proud of myself I was just blinded by so much baggage of things I had yet to face and overcome.

in the later part of 2009, I started to realize where I had gone, and how I wanted so badly to not be that person. I was getting angry at anyone in my way, I was getting fed up with even the smallest of work days and I was getting annoyed at people in general. I was unhappy. I wanted to be nice to these people that come into my store asking for help. Help.. They were asking for help, and I was doing everything to get them the hell out as fast as possible. I was so disappointed in myself and how fast and shaky I was. I always needed technology, I always needed fast moving, I wanted nothing to slow down my atmosphere. But to slow me down from what? Where the hell was I going?

In the summer of 2009 I started this journal where I had this envelope in the back. And in that envelope was little pieces of papers with numbers on them. Hundreds of them. Those numbers corresponded with a list right next to the envelope. If i would pick a the number 6, i would find number 6 in the list and do that act. That list of things were things I wanted to do for a long time. Things that I would think would make others happy, things that would make my soul happy. I wrote things such as, “give yourself a bath today”, ” go above and beyond for someone who doesn’t deserve it today”, ” give flowers to someone you always loved” , ” call your brother”, ” call your sister” , and “tell someone that you appreciate them, someone who’ve ignored unconsciously.” These things are things that speak to my soul, so everyday I would pick a number out of an envelope at random and then link it to the list. And whatever it says for that number, I would accomplish. I would go to work, home, or wherever I had to go that day and I would accomplish that task. Task, that is a word I should of never used and ill explain why in a little. But these things I was doing made me feel loved, made me special and made me feel worth. It gave me such hope on a string to just hold on to. Hope in a light that was actually doable and reachable for me. But like all things in my life, I started to have to prove to the book that I was worth it, so when days got too long and I’d forget to do a task for that day I would get so disappointed In myself. I would feel horrible, I would feel horrible for days. That’s when I realized that I was afraid of failing, of not proving my worth to someone or something and I was afraid of not meeting such high expectations of things around me. I was so extreme on everything, so fast to fall in love, so fast to get hurt by simple comments and just so high speed, thanks to the world around us. So I set this high standard of this journal, to HAVE to do these things. That is when I realized I had such a magnitude of things to come to term with before I could free myself. That journal sparked the beginning.

Ever since that journal I have slowly faced things inside of me that I always thought would define me. I slowly grew strength from my mishaps and used them as learning experiences rather than devastation failure experiences. So here I am, a few years later – about to embark on a backpack journey around the world trying to live by the seem of my pants. I want to help people in ways that would just start a trickle of inspirations. I want to find peace, I want to find inner peace within myself and peace within my atmosphere. I will teach myself to be still. I will teach myself to not need fast pace all the time. I will teach myself to sit still and be happy with the silence and the beauty that is always around me.

I will learn the traits or praying, meditating, giving, soul searching and peace.

Here goes nothing, or should I say, everything.

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One thought on “Still

  1. You wear your heart on your sleave and it is such a beautiful part of you. I am feeling all lumpy in the throat because I can relate so strongly. We all do this and you give it a beautiful voice.

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